You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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