A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
