Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
