i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
