Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
