we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When did we convert life to cartoon?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
