I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
