yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
