I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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