I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
