Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
