last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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