if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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