Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
