zippers are such a cool invention
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
