I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
two words...techno handjob
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
