we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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