Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
