I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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