There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
