oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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