Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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