I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
