It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You are the jesus of drinking
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
