ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
