Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
