checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
