it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
