My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
