i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
