I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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