I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
