Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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