I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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