Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
