Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I forget how to act sober
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
