i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
