I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
