So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
