Pants 0. Shit 1.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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