Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
