The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Boobs speak an international language.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
