the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
