3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
