She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
