I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
