Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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