Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
