We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
