How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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