So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
